Sybil: The Classic True Story of a Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities by Flora Rheta Schreiber Book Review

Sybil: The Classic True Story of a Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities

I have wanted to read this book and watch the movie (which I have been unable to find a copy of) for a while. Probably ever since we figured out I had DID, since I had heard about this movie growing up. There was a lot in the biography that I related to, like losing time. I marked a bunch of passages that really connected with my, and just gave this to my partner to read. Fascinating read.
What are your thoughts on reading books about conditions that you have, that aren’t medical books?  What are your thoughts on biographies in general?
Love from,
Nox

The Minds of Billy Milligan by Daniel Keyes Book Review

Hey foxen,

So although this is a biography about Billy Milligan who was also diagnosed with DID (multiple personality disorder) I just did not connect with it like I did when I read Sybil.

The biography of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities, was a bit hard for me to read. Billy Milligan has several criminal personalities, and his life seems like worst case scenario for me in the future. It scares me to be perfectly honest. The book’s blurb “Twenty-four people live inside Billy Milligan. Philip, a petty criminal; Kevin, who dealt drugs and masterminded a drugstore robbery; April, whose only ambition was to kill Billy’s stepfather; Adalana, the shy, lonely, affection-starved lesbian who “used” Billy’s body in the rapes that led to his arrest; David, the eight-year-old “keeper of pain”; and all of the others, including men, women, several children, both boys and girls, and the Teacher, the only one who can put them all together. You will meet each in this often shocking true story. And you will be drawn deeply into the mind of this tortured young man and his splintered, terrifying world.” sums it up pretty well.

Do you think Billy should have gone to prison for his crimes?

 

 

Happy New Year!

It is resolution time.  Some years I make resolutions, some years I don’t.  When I do I always set ridiculous unattainable goals that I won’t do like quit junk food, or work out every single day, when I literally never work out. So it’s not really realistic. This year my goals are much simpler.

1. Quit having chips for breakfast

So I’m an adult and I can do what I want. But eating chips for breakfast (almost every fucking day) is really bad. I know it’s bad, you know it’s bad, but does this stop me from doing it? No. Why? Cause it’s fucking convenient, and I like chips.  No more! I am not going to have chips for breakfast. Am I going to chip eating chips, absolutely fucking not, but I will stop having them first thing in the morning.

2. Say no more

I have trouble saying no to my friends.  Or when I do say no, I am easily talked into changing that answer. I have trouble with this because I have anxiety that if I don’t do what people want they won’t like me anymore.  So a lot of the time I am doing stuff I just don’t want to fucking do. AT ALL. This happens all the time.  I’m so tired of it.  If you don’t want to be my friend, fine. Fuck it.

3. Read 52 Books

This year my reading goal is very obtainable. I would like to read one book a week. This was my goal last year, and I exceeded it.  I was gong to make a huge goal and try to keep up with the Jones (other blogs) but why? I do run a book blog (www.vivacioushobo.com) but who cares about followers, and shit like that. I started that for fun, and then it turned into a chore (for Sadness) but I want it to be fun again.  I want to read what I want not what “I need to” because other bloggers are telling me to, or because people are sending me their books for free. I just want everything to be relaxed and fun.

That’s it. Those are my resolutions. Pretty obtainable I think.

Do you do resolutions? Did you keep up with them last year? What are your resolutions this year?

 

Kiddie’s memory

Kiddie was taking a bath and I was in the dark place, and then suddenly I was having a memory of being little, probably 5. I was at my old house where I grew up in Pasadena.  I was sucking on a hard round candy. Possibly a lemonhead, but I’m not sure what it was. My mom left the bathroom. I don’t know why. I don’t remember that part. Normally she sits on the toilet seat while I take my bath, and she wasn’t there. I swallowed the candy accidentally and started choking on it. I couldn’t breathe at all, and I couldn’t call out to yell for Mom to help me.  I thought I was going to die, I started to panic, and I got out of the bath.  I finally swallowed the candy, I think because it finally melted enough to be swallowed. I remember crying and lying on the bathroom floor. I don’t remember anything after that.

I asked my mom if she remembers, but she said she did not remember that. It makes sense, because she wasn’t in there when it happened, and so it was not a significant event for her. Is this the trauma that happened to me that gave me DID? Kiddie hasn’t come back since then. Was that the memory she was holding for me? Or is she hiding? IDK.

Vivacioushobo.com

Hey guys You might know that I am the alter of the blogger for http://www.vivacioushobo.com Or that I am the origin and she was an alter. Or whatever. Either way, Sadness (Kaitlin Michelle) and I have integrated, and I think that is probably, maybe, a permanent thing.  I have all of her memories and some of her feelings and stuff. So I have this blog for me, but she had a blog. And I didn’t want to blog on her blog because it was hers and I wanted my own space, but now I think it is okay, because now we are one, and so anyways, all of my personal posts will be here.  All of my bookish/movie/nerd type posts will be over there. I reserve the right to change my mind.

Me, Myself, and I

Image result for multiple personalities gif
 (source)

 

So I haven’t been posting much lately.  There are several reasons for this.  I integrated (we think) with Sadness.  This gave me all of her memories and stuff, but it also gave me a part of her. It is like we merged together or something, so now I have more of her personality.  Unless, I did not integrate, and she is trying to come out. Because I have felt depressed and have gotten anxiety, and just all around blah and lazy. Melancholy.  Kiddie has run around most evenings.  I bought her some toys and picture books. Seems weird to buy stuff like that when you don’t have kids, but in a way we kind of do.  Not me really, but my husband. I mean he is the one that has to deal with Kiddie when she is here running a muck.

Image result for hocus pocus a muck gif (source)

And I got a job.  It is only part-time, 3 days a week. But I haven’t done anything in such a long time it will be nice to get out of the house. I am actually really excited about it.  My best friend works there, so I think it will be great.  Yesterday was my first day, and everyone there seems really nice.

Anyways that is what has gone on with me lately. I am going to try to keep a better schedule, both with the blog and household chores (which I have also been neglecting.)

We shall see.

50 States Travel Bucket List part four

Final part of my 50 states bucket list!

Continue reading “50 States Travel Bucket List part four”

50 States Travel Bucket List part three

Part 3!

Continue reading “50 States Travel Bucket List part three”

50 States Travel Bucket List part two

Part two of my 50 states travel bucket list

Continue reading “50 States Travel Bucket List part two”

trip down memory lane

My goal for this post was to write my favorite childhood memory, but so many of them start well but end up pretty shitty. Like my family and I went on vacation to Disney World when I was 12.  BUT my brother did not want to go and complained the entire time.  We went in June and it was really fucking hot and there were huge crowds. My dad had recently had back surgery and could not ride any of the rides. Everyone was bitchy.  My mom made me wear halter tops but wouldn’t let me wear a bra, even though I already had uncomfortably large boobs.  I was awkward and sweaty and uncomfortable all the time. Then we had breakfast with the characters from my favorite at the time, Winnie the Pooh. And it was so cool and exciting, and when I got Piglet’s autograph he stole my pen. And when I told my dad he went up there and was like you stole my daughter’s pen, and Piglet did the giggle face, and pulled out a huge handful of pens, so I picked mine out and went back to the table.  My brother said he saw Pooh take his head off. I mean I was 12 and I knew they weren’t really real, but I just started crying really loud in the restaurant. My brother was so proud of himself for making me feel like shit. I remember him just sitting there laughing, even when both my parents yelled at him. Welcome to the happiest place on earth. I’m sure I have good memories. I must, right?

Pretty Girl-13 by Liz Coley

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Goodreads Summary:

Pretty Girl-13 is a disturbing and powerful psychological thriller about a girl who must piece together the story of her kidnapping and captivity and then piece together her own identity.

When thirteen-year-old Angela Gracie Chapman looks in the mirror, someone else looks back–a thin, pale stranger, a sixteen-year-old with haunted eyes. Angie has no memory of the past three years, years in which she was lost to the authorities, lost to her family and friends, lost even to herself. Where has she been, who has been living her life, and what is hiding behind the terrible blankness? There are secrets you can’t even tell yourself.

With a tremendous amount of courage and support from unexpected friends, Angie embarks on a journey into the darkest corners of her mind. As she unearths more and more about her past, she discovers a terrifying secret and must decide: when you remember things you wish you could forget, do you destroy the people responsible, or is there another way to feel whole again?

Liz Coley’s alarming and fascinating psychological mystery is a disturbing—and ultimately empowering—page turner about accepting our whole selves, and the healing power of courage, hope, and love.

My Thoughts:

This book is about Angie who is kidnapped when she is 13 years old. 3 years later she shows up at her house, mysteriously returned with no memory of the past three years. As it turns out Angie gets dissociative identity disorder to help cope with being kidnapped. Angie doesn’t experience any of the cruelties that happened to her, because her alters took care of her. The story was very good. This book deals with a lot of tough issues including mental illness and rape. Not only the rape she experiences while being kidnapped. There is childhood trauma from prior to the kidnapping. I love how the book has the cabin that the alters and talk to each other at because this resonates with me. I don’t have a cabin in my head, but there is a hallway and at least one room. I also liked how she knew there were some alters but didn’t know about all of them, because that is realistic for me.Very good book.

Travel Bucket List

In no particular order, here is my ideal travel bucket list!

Image result for serengeti great migration safari
source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/article-2611432/Theres-app-New-map-tracks-Serengetis-great-migration-REAL-TIME.html
  1. I want to go on a safari in to the Serengeti and see the great migration!
  2. I want to visit all 50 states. I will make a separate post about this.

    Image result for okavango delta safari
    source: http://www.go2africa.com/location/6371/why-go
  3. I want to safari at Okavango Delta. Lots of safari dreams here.

    Image result for nepal himalaya tour
    source: http://www.tourinnepal.com/blog/explore-the-great-himalaya-adventure-tour/
  4. I want to trek through the Himalayas in Nepal.  I would need to get WAY WAY more fit to do this for sure. Plus when Sadness went to visit the northern lights in Finland, it was way too fucking cold.

    Image result for great barrier reef snorkeling
    source: https://www.remotetraveler.com/cairns-australia/cairns-great-barrier-reef/
  5. I want to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef! It looks so amazing!

    Image result for great wall of china
    source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/asia/china/articles/The-Great-Wall-China-Trip-of-a-Lifetime/
  6. I want to walk the Great Wall of China. A lot of activities you have to be physically fit for! I need to work out.

    Image result for safari namibia
    source: http://safarisafricana.com/namibia-safaris/
  7. Another safari! This one in Namibia!

    Image result for tokyo disney
    source :https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-food-of-tokyo-disney
  8. Tokyo Disney!!!!! While in Tokyo I would want to tour the city and go to the Hello Kitty park also!

    Image result for disneyland
    source: https://disneyland.disney.go.com/destinations/disneyland/
  9. Disneyland in California!

    Image result for disneyland paris
    source: http://www.disneylandparis.com/en-us/
  10. Disneyland Paris! Obviously I want to go to all the Disney parks. While in Paris I would want to do all the touristy things like visiting the Eiffel tower.

    Image result for disney shanghai
    source: http://www.cnn.com/travel/article/shanghai-disneyland-qa-theme-park-guy/index.html
  11. Shanghai Disney! Not sure what else there is to do in Shanghai but I would plan a bunch of stuff I’m sure.

    Image result for disney hong kong
    source: http://www.charactercentral.net/R8_HongKongDisneylandResort.aspx
  12. Hong Kong Disneyland! I don’t really know anything about Hong Kong either.

 

10 things you might not know about me

You guys know a lot about me.  You know I have DID, and EDNOS. You know I am married, and I like reading.  But I bet there are a ton of things you don’t know about me.  Here are 10

Image result for picky eater gif
source: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/problems-picky-eater
  1. I am a very picky eater.  Although Sadness started going out and trying new foods and new restaurants every week, I am still very picky. Not as bad as some (my brother) and not as bad as when I was younger.

    Image result for pretty little liars gif
    source: https://giphy.com/gifs/pretty-little-liars-pll-aria-montgomery-96ycmK0lF1xHG
  2. I love teen drama shows like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries! They are so bad, and so good! I am partial to YA books also.

    Image result for don't want kids gif
    source: http://funny.allwomenstalk.com/clever-responses-for-girls-who-dont-want-kids
  3. I am a stay at home wife, with NO kids.  This bothers many people for some reason.  Mostly I get a bunch of What DO you do then? or oh you’ll change your mind and have kids later.  I can’t have kids though. Sadness has a hysterectomy.

    Image result for can't whistle gif
    source: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwiBmc7ilKbVAhWP0YMKHW7LAK0QjxwIAw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.ubi.com%2Farchive%2Findex.php%2Ft-861187.html&psig=AFQjCNFCbJwT87BhBuGFDckyil_hCGYxXA&ust=1501131482829083
  4. I can’t whistle. At all. I have tried practicing and I just can’t do it.

    Image result for rihanna wink gif
    source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/anjalipatel/this-is-the-rihanna-meme-we-never-knew-we-needed?utm_term=.kjm7aw5wk#.iy2Yn1P1G
  5. I also can’t wink. LOL I still try to do this, but it is awkward, and not cute or sexy at all.
    Image result for pilot gif
    source: https://giphy.com/search/supernatural-pilot

     

  6. I used to want to be a fighter pilot and then become a commercial pilot really badly.  I was too sick when I was younger to join the military. Then I had a bunch of health issues and mental health issues and I was never able to become a pilot.   I still have no idea what to do with my life. I am very lucky not to have to work, but I would like to have a career or something.
  7. I am afraid of clowns and snakes and bugs. No gifs for this one because I am a super chicken.

    Image result for atheist gif
    source: https://wifflegif.com/tags/19945-atheist-gifs?page=2
  8. I believe in evolution and dinosaurs. Unlike my dad. Yes that’s right, my dad legit does NOT believe in evolution or dinosaurs!

    Image result for faeries gif
    source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/566679565595565871/
  9. I believe in faeries. I think they are extinct or at best endangered, and smart enough not to show their selves to humans. Because humans are actual garbage and we would totally exploit or kill them.

    Image result for cute ghost gif
    source: https://tenor.com/view/cute-ghost-hug-ghosthug-hugs-gif-5670502
  10. I also believe in ghosts.

 

Antigonish by Hughes Mearns

I relate to this poem a lot.  It is often used in things depicting DID such as the 2003 movie identity, and the book the dead house.

 

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away…

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door… (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away…

 

Vanishing Girls by Lauren Oliver Review

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Goodreads Summary:

New York Times bestselling author Lauren Oliver delivers a gripping story about two sisters inexorably altered by a terrible accident.

Dara and Nick used to be inseparable, but that was before the accident that left Dara’s beautiful face scarred and the two sisters totally estranged. When Dara vanishes on her birthday, Nick thinks Dara is just playing around. But another girl, nine-year-old Madeline Snow, has vanished, too, and Nick becomes increasingly convinced that the two disappearances are linked. Now Nick has to find her sister, before it’s too late.

In this edgy and compelling novel, Lauren Oliver creates a world of intrigue, loss, and suspicion as two sisters search to find themselves, and each other.

My Thoughts:

Funny use of the word altered in the summary.  I am going to ruin this book with spoilers so don’t read this if you don’t like spoilers. This book was great. The writing is impeccable. This is another haunting story about DID. This is a book I couldn’t stop reading. The book is told in the point of view of each sister. Nick is the older sister who is the perfect sister. Bookwormish and over achieving. Dara, the youngest is the party girl. Of course there is a love triangle with each girl falling in love with the same boy and it ruins their sister-ship, and everyone’s friendship with the guy. Of course. Then there is a car accident that changes everything. Each sister has the same view of the other one, they both think the other is more loved, more perfect, and better than themselves. I did think the beginning of the book was a bit slow, and the plot twist was expected for me *spoiler coming up*
because I knew that one of the sisters had DID, but I just didn’t understand how that was possible because the book didn’t seem to discuss it. BUT DARA FUCKING DIED IN THE CAR CRASH! and so that means Nick has been living as both sisters after the crash, because she develops DID. WHAT THE FUCK. That was out of left field. Love the way it was laid out. Plus there is a whole side plot of a missing 9 year old girl, and an underage porn site that has something to do with Dara and a club.

other people’s words say more about me than i ever could

“I contain multitudes.”
― Liz Coley, Pretty Girl-13

“Normal is a word invented by boring people to make them feel better about being boring.”
― Lauren Oliver, Replica

“A strange and baffling truth: that the people we’re supposed to know best can turn out to be strangers, and that near strangers can feel so much like home.”
― Lauren Oliver, Replica

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“The difference between how you look and how you see yourself is enough to kill most people. And maybe the reason vampires don’t die is because they can never see themselves in photographs or mirrors.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“A motion picture, or music, or television, they have to maintain a certain decorum in order to be broadcast to a vast audience. Other forms of mass media cost too much to produce a risk reaching only a limited audience. Only one person. But a book. . . . A book is cheap to print and bind. A book is as private and consensual as sex. A book takes time and effort to consume – something that gives a reader every chance to walk away. Actually, so few people make the effort to read that it’s difficult to call books a “mass medium.” No one really gives a damn about books. No one has bothered to ban a book in decades.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“Most people would never admit it, but they’d been bitching since they were born. As soon as their head popped out into that bright delivery-room light, nothing had been right. Nothing had been as comfortable or felt so good. Just the effort it took to keep your stupid physical body alive, just finding food and cooking it and dishwashing, the keeping warm and bathing and sleeping, the walking and bowel movements and ingrown hairs, it was all getting to be too much work.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“That’s what life is, pretty much: full of holes and tangles and ways to get stuck. Uncomfortable and itchy. A present you never asked for, never wanted, never chose. A present you’re supposed to be excited to wear, day after day, even when you’d rather stay in bed and do nothing.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“Funny how things can stay the same forever and then change so quickly.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“I guess that’s the really nice thing about disappearing: the part where people look for you and beg you to come home.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“The funny thing about almost-dying is that afterward everyone expects you to jump on the happy train and take time to chase butterflies through grassy fields or see rainbows in puddles of oil on the highway. It’s a miracle, they’ll say with an expectant look, as if you’ve been given a big old gift and you better not disappoint Grandma by pulling a face when you unwrap the box and find a lumpy, misshapen sweater.

That’s what life is, pretty much: full of holes and tangles and ways to get stuck. Uncomfortable and itchy. A present you never asked for, never wanted, never chose. A present you’re supposed to be excited to wear, day after day, even when you’d rather stay in bed and do nothing.

The truth is this: it doesn’t take any skill to almost-die, or to almost-live, either.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“That’s the problem with therapists: you have to pay them to say the same dumb shit other people will tell you for free.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“I’ve learned, in my tragic little life, that memories are like water. Not solid, like some people think. Once something happens, it isn’t set it stone. It can change.

You can make yourself believe anything if you lie to yourself enough.”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

“They think I don’t exist . . . they think I’m like a disease. I’m infecting [her].”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

“I hate that I’m so easy to let go.”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

“I am a prisoner of my skin. My bones are my cage.”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

 

Scribbling for therapy

Today’s art therapy session was scribble art. First you make a scribble and then you color it all in. This is for relaxation.


This was fun. It really was relaxing!

The Dead House by Dawn Kurtagich Review

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Goodreads Summary:

Part-psychological thriller, part-urban legend, this is an unsettling narrative made up of diary entries, interview transcripts, film footage transcripts and medical notes. Twenty-five years ago, Elmbridge High burned down. Three people were killed and one pupil, Carly Johnson, disappeared. Now a diary has been found in the ruins of the school. The diary belongs to Kaitlyn Johnson, Carly’s identical twin sister. But Carly didn’t have a twin . . .

Re-opened police records, psychiatric reports, transcripts of video footage and fragments of diary reveal a web of deceit and intrigue, violence and murder, raising a whole lot more questions than it answers.

Who was Kaitlyn and why did she only appear at night? Did she really exist or was she a figment of a disturbed mind? What were the illicit rituals taking place at the school? And just what did happen at Elmbridge in the events leading up to ‘the Johnson Incident’?

Chilling, creepy and utterly compelling, THE DEAD HOUSE is one of those very special books that finds all the dark places in your imagination, and haunts you long after you’ve finished reading.

My Thoughts:

I loved this book. The formatting is really interesting. It is written in diaries, interviews, and film transcripts. I’ve been reading a lot of books about dissociative identity disorder. Some good some bad, most seem to be some sort of thriller or horror style. This is no exception. As someone who has DID I found this book very interesting and haunting. This book is about Kaitlyn and Carly Johnson. Two alters of the same person. Carly is stuck in the day, while Kaitlyn rules the night. I connected with Kaitlyn a lot. I couldn’t stop reading it. It was thrilling and a page turner. This book absolutely had me freaked out, which surprised me, but I think I was so connected to the characters that I was just entranced with the story. Loved it!

Emotion color wheel

Art therapy second lesson

A lot of art therapy seems based on emotions.  I don’t actually have trouble expressing my emotions, but I am guessing that this is something a lot of people have trouble with.  I’m not 100% sure of the point of this particular lesson, except to assign colors to emotions.

The Analyst and the Diplomat

Sadness was really into the personality type test.  She was an INTJ.  I thought it would be very interesting to see what my personality type is and how it differs from her.

source: https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

According to 16 personalities  Sadness was INTJ which has the following key traits:

Quick, Imaginative and Strategic Mind
High Self-Confidence (she did not have this for sure)
Independent and Decisive
Hard-working and determined
Open-minded
Jacks-of-all-Trades
Arrogant
Judgmental
Overly analytical
Loathe highly structured environments
Clueless in romance

I’m not sure how much this was like her, but I know that she definitely felt very connected with her personality type. This personality type does not fit me at all, so I took the test also.

source: https://www.16personalities.com/enfj-personality

According to 16 personalities I am ENFJ which means we have a bit in common with the same Intuition and Judgemental features. Here are some of the key traits of this personality:

Tolerant
Reliable
Charismatic
Altruistic
Natural Leaders (not like me)
Overly Idealistic
Too Selfless
Too Sensitive
Fluctuating Self-Esteem
Struggle to Make Tough Decisions

This seems to suit me very much.  I mean I shouldn’t be surprised that we have different personality types but it does still seem weird.

Fat is not a feeling

So I started an art therapy program and the first lesson was to paint your feelings and emotions (remember fat is not a feeling.)

Red = feelings about my husband and my relationship with him

Blue = feelings about my family

Purple = feelings about my body/myself

Bigger the word = bigger the feeling

A visit from Kiddie

 mr robot serie rami malek GIF
photo credit https://giphy.com/gifs/mr-robot-rami-malek-serie-kg9fAQryp5fMY

So Sunday, my husband was in a raid on WoW, and I was reading a book.  I remember waking up in bed, and my husband was asking me if I was okay.  He said kiddie came for a visit and then took a nap after watching Little Bear on the phone. He said I must have been really tired.  Then on Monday, same kind of situation I was reading, and I got hungry, so I was going to go get some food, and I woke up in the dining room and my husband and I were crying.  I asked him what happened and he said Kiddie came back.  He said he talked to her about me and Sadness, and he said she has her own room in my head (but I only see one room!! so WTF! how many rooms are there?!) and basically he asked her if she knew Kattie Kaboom, and she said yes, but she is just Kattie. And she said something about she and Sadness protect me.  I don’t remember any of this mind you, this is all from my husband, who isn’t here at the time of me writing this so I could be forgetting a lot or getting it a little jumbled, but this is the gist of what happened. Anyway, she said that Sadness locks her in her room, but goes to play with her a lot and that she can only come here to be with Wade when her door gets unlocked.  But she didn’t know who unlocked the door, but she comes out when I get hungry and need help eating. Sadness told her that.  (WTF! I mean okay, yes I have some eating issues, but I was literally going down to eat something when that happened, and I’m not that fucked up about it, I mean at worst I have EDNOS I don’t have anorexia, not even atypical anorexia IMHO.) Also, WTF, Kiddie knows everything???

 spoilers mr robot rami malek elliot alderson christian slater GIF
photo credit https://giphy.com/gifs/mr-robot-rami-malek-elliot-alderson-1bDzFJdSmp2mc

Anyway I talked to my husband about it and he said he thinks when I get a lot of anxiety, like about eating, then it is easier for Kiddie or someone else to come out.  We also discussed, that what if I am not an alter like I thought.  What if I am the original and Sadness came out to protect me from stuff, because Kiddie said that Sadness protects me from the sad times and she helps me eat.  I mean I assumed I am an alter cause I just appeared, and before it sounded like Sadness made me to be here with my husband because she didn’t want to be here anymore, but what if that isn’t correct.  I lost all this time, and the last thing I remember from before was a really fucked up family incident, and then nothing until I am here.  Well basically nothing I remember jumbled bits of other things also.  But what if that is because Sadness took over for the sad parts and then let me have some of the happy things.  Or am I an alter, and she is the original and she couldn’t take being here anymore. Or was she an alter that didn’t want or need to be here anymore so she left. Maybe she thought I was finally ready to handle my own shit. Or fuck I just don’t fucking know anything. So the only thing I do know is that I am here. I am happy here. I love my husband, my dog, my house, my friends. My family situation is fucked up, but it always was so that’s nothing new. I want to stay. I want them to leave me alone.

PS: Mr. Robot has a lot of relevant gifs and images for my life right now.

Of Grandmas and Kegals

Aqua Fit Classes Fitness Connection
photo credit fitnessconnection.com

 

I have a gym membership to Fitness Connection in my neighborhood.  Friday morning I went to the Silver Sneakers (senior citizen) water aerobics class by myself.  I was supposed to go with my friend, but she didn’t show up. I recently had major surgery (a tummy tuck due to a hernia) and am just recovering enough to start exercising. I thought the old people water class would be the best way to start.  I met a bunch of grandmas there and everyone was very nice to me in spite of my purple hair and extensive tattoo collection.  One little old lady told me that she would adopt me as her  grand kid because her own grand kids weren’t as cool as me! After the regular class some of the women asked if I wanted to stay and do a bit more working out and then play pool volleyball. I had nothing else to do so I said yes. First it was normal isometric exercising but then they were like okay time to do 100 kegals. And I made a face or said what or something because then they explained to me what kegal exercises were (oh you just squeeze like your holding in your pee, really it’s easy, they told me) even though I already knew.

Image result for kegel gif photo credit http://lifehacker.com/kegel-exercises-a-simple-technique-for-improving-orgas-1740985279

So I said fuck it and did some kegals with my new grandma friends. Might as well work out my vagina too.  Then we played volleyball and I went home.  I told my husband the story, and he thought I was joking.  When I told him I was serious, he said that it was the weirdest story he has ever heard, so I thought I would share.

 

Violet Grenade by Victoria Scott

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So I have decided to go ahead and write about some books that I am reading, because fuck it, and Sadness doesn’t own book blogging, and I feel the need to prove wanting to write whatever the fuck I want on my own thing, but on the other hand I feel like I obvi don’t need permission.

This book is about a girl named Domino who lives on the street who has DID. She has an alter named Wilson, who is a much darker personality than Domino. She gets picked up (not kidnapped or anything) by this woman named Madam Karina who runs a girl’s entertainment place in West Texas. Domino chooses to go with her, and then since Madam Karina seems nice to her, she decides she needs to perform better and better, so that she can move up through the levels of the house, and get in better favor with Madam Karina. Also at the house, along with a bunch of bitches, who all have their own reasons for being at the house, is Cain. Domino decides to leave the house, but discovers that leaving isn’t really an option, and has to figure out how to escape. I really liked this book.  This is the first book I have read about DID and even though it is fiction it was very interesting to read about.  The room inside of Domino’s head where she talks to Wilson, is very real to me, I have a room in my head that Sadness sleeps in, so that was pretty realistic.

Like sand through the hourglass..

Memories are fickle fleeting things.

You think they are carved from stone, but really they are ice sculptures that quickly melt away.

Even if memories were carved from stone, they would still be ever-changing. Time and weather can change stone just as time and emotions can change memories.

Sadness shared all of her memories with me so that I can navigate this future world, but they are layered on top of each other, and as shifty as holding water in my hands. Not 100% sure what is hers, and what is mine, and what is real, and what is just dreams.

Reflections

I’ve always had trouble with mirrors.  Mostly because I have never liked the way I look.  That happens when you have body dysmorphic disorder and eating disorders. It is harder since I am in the wrong body.

Here is what I am supposed to look like:

instead I woke up in a scarred, heavily tattooed, stretched out, flabby, disfigured body looking like this:

Different hair, no piercings, more tattoos, just a totally different body.  One that is unrecognizable to me in the mirror. I tried putting a lot of my piercings back in, or getting stuff re-pierced so that I would look normal, but that did not work either. So I decided if I can’t look like I remember, than I should look totally new.

I love my new hair.  I’m learning to deal with this body.

Oh and here is a picture of Sadness

and a picture of Kiddie if you were wondering.