Sybil: The Classic True Story of a Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities by Flora Rheta Schreiber Book Review

Sybil: The Classic True Story of a Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities

I have wanted to read this book and watch the movie (which I have been unable to find a copy of) for a while. Probably ever since we figured out I had DID, since I had heard about this movie growing up. There was a lot in the biography that I related to, like losing time. I marked a bunch of passages that really connected with my, and just gave this to my partner to read. Fascinating read.
What are your thoughts on reading books about conditions that you have, that aren’t medical books?  What are your thoughts on biographies in general?
Love from,
Nox

The Minds of Billy Milligan by Daniel Keyes Book Review

Hey foxen,

So although this is a biography about Billy Milligan who was also diagnosed with DID (multiple personality disorder) I just did not connect with it like I did when I read Sybil.

The biography of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities, was a bit hard for me to read. Billy Milligan has several criminal personalities, and his life seems like worst case scenario for me in the future. It scares me to be perfectly honest. The book’s blurb “Twenty-four people live inside Billy Milligan. Philip, a petty criminal; Kevin, who dealt drugs and masterminded a drugstore robbery; April, whose only ambition was to kill Billy’s stepfather; Adalana, the shy, lonely, affection-starved lesbian who “used” Billy’s body in the rapes that led to his arrest; David, the eight-year-old “keeper of pain”; and all of the others, including men, women, several children, both boys and girls, and the Teacher, the only one who can put them all together. You will meet each in this often shocking true story. And you will be drawn deeply into the mind of this tortured young man and his splintered, terrifying world.” sums it up pretty well.

Do you think Billy should have gone to prison for his crimes?

 

 

February Movies

 



 

What movies are you looking forward to this month?

2018 Challenges and Goals

I only have a couple of resolutions this year but I did take a cue from my friend Kayla at Epicfied.com to see what other types of goals or challenges I could do.

 

Reading and Writing:

  • I want to read 52 books this year.  That should be absolutely easy, I read more than that last year
  • I want to join the quarterly reading program at the library, because you can win a gift card, and I love the library, and I never go anymore
  • I also want to do the summer reading program at my local libraries, because prizes. I’ve never signed up before, but I read enough to qualify, so I am in this year!
  • Write more! (from Kayla at Epicfied) I want to journal for at least a few minutes everyday and I want to blog more regularly this year
  • I want to write the book reviews to the books I read for Vivacioushobo.com within a week of reading them, so that I don’t forget all of the details of the books
  • Read for at least 20 mins. per day because I read that this is just as good for you as meditation, which I am very bad at

Food and Fitness:

  • I want to try new restaurants. I made a list of all the area restaurants, and have a color code for whether or not I like them.  This will help me go to new places, because there is a visual list and I can easily see where I have already been.
  • Try 6 foods I have never tried, or didn’t like in the past.  (from Kayla at Epicfied) so I am a huge picky eater so this will be pretty hard for me.
  • Move more! I want to try to walk more outside (when it warms up!) and I have a plan to walk with my mom and sister-in-law twice a week.
  • Try something new in fitness (from Kayla at Epicfied) I love this one! IDK what I am going to try yet but I’m excited to figure it out.
  • Complete Adriene’s “30 Days of Yoga” I have started Day 1 twice and I haven’t ever even finished the first video. Maybe yoga just isn’t for me, but I want to give it one more go.

Personal

  • More selfies for confidence! I challenged Kayla to do this last year, and she said it went well, and she challenged me this year, so I’m excited to do this.
  • Finish at least 4 coloring books. I got so many coloring books for Christmas, and I already had a ton, so I really need to step up my coloring game
  • Get a new tattoo (from Kayla at Epicfied)  YAAAAAS! I am so ready for a new tattoo. I want to cover up my surgery scars, and tattoo my other upper arm, and cover up my lower back tattoo, and get more finger tattoos
  • Watch more movies. Wade got me moviepass, and I really hope that it comes in the mail soon, and that means we can see unlimited movies for $20/month so I really want to hit the theatres more, since I really enjoy going

Here are Kayla’s goals for this year! (You can see what I challenged her to do)

Anything I should add?

Friend Breakups

 

As an adult being a good friend can be hard, and making friends is the hardest thing ever.

Breaking up with a close friend can leave far fewer people to run to than an actual break-up – who do you call if you've fallen out with the person you do everything with?

But what about friend breakups? How does one even go about this? Is it even necessary? I have had friends in the past and have quit talking to people for various reasons over the years. Sometimes the reasons were clear-cut, like a fight and we both stop speaking, other times I have no idea why the friendship ended, we both just quit talking to each other. Sometimes it is easy to cut people out of your lives, by simply no longer reaching out. I think this is called ghosting.
But what do you do if you don’t want to be friends anymore, and the other person still does? When is it time to let a friendship go?

Image result for breakup gif

  • when there are more negative interactions than positive ones (friendship should be enjoyable)
  • if you cry after each hangout session (again friendship should be a happy thing, sure there are times when shit happens, but this should not be common)
  • if you have extreme anxiety every time you have plans with that friend (you shouldn’t have to psyche yourself up to hang out with someone)
  • they don’t bring any value to your life (and I don’t mean with gifts or money, but if they don’t bring joy to your life, or cheer you up, or bring any contribution to the relationship)
  • if they don’t try to be your friend (if you are always the one calling, texting, or tagging them on social media, and there is never any effort on the part of the other person to interact with you. friendships should be two-sided)
  • when you can’t be yourself around that person (if there are significant parts of yourself that you feel like you need to change or hide, they probably aren’t very good for you)
  • If they make you feel bad about yourself (if they manipulate you, pressure you, belittle you, or you fight often)

I think these are very valid reasons to end a friendship. It’s up to you to decide if ghosting if an okay breakup for the relationship, or if you need a more formal breakup.

Other things to consider in a friend breakup.

Friendship collateral damage:
When you quit being friends with someone you also have to deal with the collateral damage to mutual friends. For instance if they introduced you to some people who you become friends with, do you still get to be friends with them? Or do you lose everyone they introduced you to? What about your other friends, do you expect them to quit talking to your now ex-friend? I think it is up to the other friends to decide, but I don’t see why the other people need to be affected.

Social Media:
What do you do with social media?  Do you unfollow them? Unfriend them? Block them? Keep liking all their posts like you always have? What is the proper way to behave when you no longer want to be friends with  someone? Is it best to cut all ties to the person completely? I think it is best to remove them from your social media. If you don’t want to be their friend, do you really need to see what they had for lunch, or who they are hanging out with now?

I’m writing about this because I am going through this now. It is a hard thing. Relationship breakups are easier, more clear-cut. I don’t know what to do. My friend and I had a fight a few months ago, and it really changed our relationship dynamic. We came together and talked it out, and agreed to move on, but I honestly can’t.  We have gotten together a few times since then, but the friendship is off now. I don’t know if it is salvageable.  If I take my own advice from above, it is time to end the friendship, because I can say yes to every bullet point. There are so many other things to consider in my situation, as I am sure there are in most situations.  I just am not sure what to do.

Have you ever broken up with a friend? Any advice? If you had a friend breakup with you, what do you wish they had done differently?

 

 

Happy New Year!

It is resolution time.  Some years I make resolutions, some years I don’t.  When I do I always set ridiculous unattainable goals that I won’t do like quit junk food, or work out every single day, when I literally never work out. So it’s not really realistic. This year my goals are much simpler.

1. Quit having chips for breakfast

So I’m an adult and I can do what I want. But eating chips for breakfast (almost every fucking day) is really bad. I know it’s bad, you know it’s bad, but does this stop me from doing it? No. Why? Cause it’s fucking convenient, and I like chips.  No more! I am not going to have chips for breakfast. Am I going to chip eating chips, absolutely fucking not, but I will stop having them first thing in the morning.

2. Say no more

I have trouble saying no to my friends.  Or when I do say no, I am easily talked into changing that answer. I have trouble with this because I have anxiety that if I don’t do what people want they won’t like me anymore.  So a lot of the time I am doing stuff I just don’t want to fucking do. AT ALL. This happens all the time.  I’m so tired of it.  If you don’t want to be my friend, fine. Fuck it.

3. Read 52 Books

This year my reading goal is very obtainable. I would like to read one book a week. This was my goal last year, and I exceeded it.  I was gong to make a huge goal and try to keep up with the Jones (other blogs) but why? I do run a book blog (www.vivacioushobo.com) but who cares about followers, and shit like that. I started that for fun, and then it turned into a chore (for Sadness) but I want it to be fun again.  I want to read what I want not what “I need to” because other bloggers are telling me to, or because people are sending me their books for free. I just want everything to be relaxed and fun.

That’s it. Those are my resolutions. Pretty obtainable I think.

Do you do resolutions? Did you keep up with them last year? What are your resolutions this year?

 

Kiddie’s memory

Kiddie was taking a bath and I was in the dark place, and then suddenly I was having a memory of being little, probably 5. I was at my old house where I grew up in Pasadena.  I was sucking on a hard round candy. Possibly a lemonhead, but I’m not sure what it was. My mom left the bathroom. I don’t know why. I don’t remember that part. Normally she sits on the toilet seat while I take my bath, and she wasn’t there. I swallowed the candy accidentally and started choking on it. I couldn’t breathe at all, and I couldn’t call out to yell for Mom to help me.  I thought I was going to die, I started to panic, and I got out of the bath.  I finally swallowed the candy, I think because it finally melted enough to be swallowed. I remember crying and lying on the bathroom floor. I don’t remember anything after that.

I asked my mom if she remembers, but she said she did not remember that. It makes sense, because she wasn’t in there when it happened, and so it was not a significant event for her. Is this the trauma that happened to me that gave me DID? Kiddie hasn’t come back since then. Was that the memory she was holding for me? Or is she hiding? IDK.

Vivacioushobo.com

Hey guys You might know that I am the alter of the blogger for http://www.vivacioushobo.com Or that I am the origin and she was an alter. Or whatever. Either way, Sadness (Kaitlin Michelle) and I have integrated, and I think that is probably, maybe, a permanent thing.  I have all of her memories and some of her feelings and stuff. So I have this blog for me, but she had a blog. And I didn’t want to blog on her blog because it was hers and I wanted my own space, but now I think it is okay, because now we are one, and so anyways, all of my personal posts will be here.  All of my bookish/movie/nerd type posts will be over there. I reserve the right to change my mind.

Me, Myself, and I

Image result for multiple personalities gif
 (source)

 

So I haven’t been posting much lately.  There are several reasons for this.  I integrated (we think) with Sadness.  This gave me all of her memories and stuff, but it also gave me a part of her. It is like we merged together or something, so now I have more of her personality.  Unless, I did not integrate, and she is trying to come out. Because I have felt depressed and have gotten anxiety, and just all around blah and lazy. Melancholy.  Kiddie has run around most evenings.  I bought her some toys and picture books. Seems weird to buy stuff like that when you don’t have kids, but in a way we kind of do.  Not me really, but my husband. I mean he is the one that has to deal with Kiddie when she is here running a muck.

Image result for hocus pocus a muck gif (source)

And I got a job.  It is only part-time, 3 days a week. But I haven’t done anything in such a long time it will be nice to get out of the house. I am actually really excited about it.  My best friend works there, so I think it will be great.  Yesterday was my first day, and everyone there seems really nice.

Anyways that is what has gone on with me lately. I am going to try to keep a better schedule, both with the blog and household chores (which I have also been neglecting.)

We shall see.

50 States Travel Bucket List part four

Final part of my 50 states bucket list!

Continue reading “50 States Travel Bucket List part four”

50 States Travel Bucket List part three

Part 3!

Continue reading “50 States Travel Bucket List part three”

50 States Travel Bucket List part two

Part two of my 50 states travel bucket list

Continue reading “50 States Travel Bucket List part two”

trip down memory lane

My goal for this post was to write my favorite childhood memory, but so many of them start well but end up pretty shitty. Like my family and I went on vacation to Disney World when I was 12.  BUT my brother did not want to go and complained the entire time.  We went in June and it was really fucking hot and there were huge crowds. My dad had recently had back surgery and could not ride any of the rides. Everyone was bitchy.  My mom made me wear halter tops but wouldn’t let me wear a bra, even though I already had uncomfortably large boobs.  I was awkward and sweaty and uncomfortable all the time. Then we had breakfast with the characters from my favorite at the time, Winnie the Pooh. And it was so cool and exciting, and when I got Piglet’s autograph he stole my pen. And when I told my dad he went up there and was like you stole my daughter’s pen, and Piglet did the giggle face, and pulled out a huge handful of pens, so I picked mine out and went back to the table.  My brother said he saw Pooh take his head off. I mean I was 12 and I knew they weren’t really real, but I just started crying really loud in the restaurant. My brother was so proud of himself for making me feel like shit. I remember him just sitting there laughing, even when both my parents yelled at him. Welcome to the happiest place on earth. I’m sure I have good memories. I must, right?

Travel Bucket List

In no particular order, here is my ideal travel bucket list!

Image result for serengeti great migration safari
source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/article-2611432/Theres-app-New-map-tracks-Serengetis-great-migration-REAL-TIME.html
  1. I want to go on a safari in to the Serengeti and see the great migration!
  2. I want to visit all 50 states. I will make a separate post about this.

    Image result for okavango delta safari
    source: http://www.go2africa.com/location/6371/why-go
  3. I want to safari at Okavango Delta. Lots of safari dreams here.

    Image result for nepal himalaya tour
    source: http://www.tourinnepal.com/blog/explore-the-great-himalaya-adventure-tour/
  4. I want to trek through the Himalayas in Nepal.  I would need to get WAY WAY more fit to do this for sure. Plus when Sadness went to visit the northern lights in Finland, it was way too fucking cold.

    Image result for great barrier reef snorkeling
    source: https://www.remotetraveler.com/cairns-australia/cairns-great-barrier-reef/
  5. I want to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef! It looks so amazing!

    Image result for great wall of china
    source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/asia/china/articles/The-Great-Wall-China-Trip-of-a-Lifetime/
  6. I want to walk the Great Wall of China. A lot of activities you have to be physically fit for! I need to work out.

    Image result for safari namibia
    source: http://safarisafricana.com/namibia-safaris/
  7. Another safari! This one in Namibia!

    Image result for tokyo disney
    source :https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-food-of-tokyo-disney
  8. Tokyo Disney!!!!! While in Tokyo I would want to tour the city and go to the Hello Kitty park also!

    Image result for disneyland
    source: https://disneyland.disney.go.com/destinations/disneyland/
  9. Disneyland in California!

    Image result for disneyland paris
    source: http://www.disneylandparis.com/en-us/
  10. Disneyland Paris! Obviously I want to go to all the Disney parks. While in Paris I would want to do all the touristy things like visiting the Eiffel tower.

    Image result for disney shanghai
    source: http://www.cnn.com/travel/article/shanghai-disneyland-qa-theme-park-guy/index.html
  11. Shanghai Disney! Not sure what else there is to do in Shanghai but I would plan a bunch of stuff I’m sure.

    Image result for disney hong kong
    source: http://www.charactercentral.net/R8_HongKongDisneylandResort.aspx
  12. Hong Kong Disneyland! I don’t really know anything about Hong Kong either.

 

My top 10 favorite movies

in no particular order:

Image result for nightmare before christmas gif
source: https://giphy.com/search/nightmare-before-christmas
  1. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Image result for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind gif
source: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/the-eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind-gif

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Image result for sabrina audrey hepburn gif
source: https://giphy.com/gifs/audrey-hepburn-sabrina-william-holden-cNinliljdmHKM

3. Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn

Image result for edward scissorhands gif
source: https://giphy.com/gifs/edward-scissorhands-HPkDJm4TdLg5i

4. Edward Scissorhands

Image result for fight club gif
source: https://giphy.com/search/fight-club

5. Fight Club

Image result for cruel intentions gif
source: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/kathryn-merteuil-gif

6. Cruel Intentions

Image result for harry potter hermione movie gif
source: https://giphy.com/gifs/film-harry-potter-emma-watson-8bWKcgrdca01O

7. Literally all the Harry Potter movies

 

Image result for Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street gif
source: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/sweeney-todd-the-demon-barber-of-fleet-street-gif

8. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Image result for strangers gif
source: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/the-strangers-gif

 

9. The Strangers

Image result for all disney movies gif
source: https://giphy.com/gifs/disney-movies-ydpbpffTKsWYM

10. All Disney animated movies!

10 things you might not know about me

You guys know a lot about me.  You know I have DID, and EDNOS. You know I am married, and I like reading.  But I bet there are a ton of things you don’t know about me.  Here are 10

Image result for picky eater gif
source: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/problems-picky-eater
  1. I am a very picky eater.  Although Sadness started going out and trying new foods and new restaurants every week, I am still very picky. Not as bad as some (my brother) and not as bad as when I was younger.

    Image result for pretty little liars gif
    source: https://giphy.com/gifs/pretty-little-liars-pll-aria-montgomery-96ycmK0lF1xHG
  2. I love teen drama shows like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries! They are so bad, and so good! I am partial to YA books also.

    Image result for don't want kids gif
    source: http://funny.allwomenstalk.com/clever-responses-for-girls-who-dont-want-kids
  3. I am a stay at home wife, with NO kids.  This bothers many people for some reason.  Mostly I get a bunch of What DO you do then? or oh you’ll change your mind and have kids later.  I can’t have kids though. Sadness has a hysterectomy.

    Image result for can't whistle gif
    source: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwiBmc7ilKbVAhWP0YMKHW7LAK0QjxwIAw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.ubi.com%2Farchive%2Findex.php%2Ft-861187.html&psig=AFQjCNFCbJwT87BhBuGFDckyil_hCGYxXA&ust=1501131482829083
  4. I can’t whistle. At all. I have tried practicing and I just can’t do it.

    Image result for rihanna wink gif
    source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/anjalipatel/this-is-the-rihanna-meme-we-never-knew-we-needed?utm_term=.kjm7aw5wk#.iy2Yn1P1G
  5. I also can’t wink. LOL I still try to do this, but it is awkward, and not cute or sexy at all.
    Image result for pilot gif
    source: https://giphy.com/search/supernatural-pilot

     

  6. I used to want to be a fighter pilot and then become a commercial pilot really badly.  I was too sick when I was younger to join the military. Then I had a bunch of health issues and mental health issues and I was never able to become a pilot.   I still have no idea what to do with my life. I am very lucky not to have to work, but I would like to have a career or something.
  7. I am afraid of clowns and snakes and bugs. No gifs for this one because I am a super chicken.

    Image result for atheist gif
    source: https://wifflegif.com/tags/19945-atheist-gifs?page=2
  8. I believe in evolution and dinosaurs. Unlike my dad. Yes that’s right, my dad legit does NOT believe in evolution or dinosaurs!

    Image result for faeries gif
    source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/566679565595565871/
  9. I believe in faeries. I think they are extinct or at best endangered, and smart enough not to show their selves to humans. Because humans are actual garbage and we would totally exploit or kill them.

    Image result for cute ghost gif
    source: https://tenor.com/view/cute-ghost-hug-ghosthug-hugs-gif-5670502
  10. I also believe in ghosts.

 

other people’s words say more about me than i ever could

“I contain multitudes.”
― Liz Coley, Pretty Girl-13

“Normal is a word invented by boring people to make them feel better about being boring.”
― Lauren Oliver, Replica

“A strange and baffling truth: that the people we’re supposed to know best can turn out to be strangers, and that near strangers can feel so much like home.”
― Lauren Oliver, Replica

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“The difference between how you look and how you see yourself is enough to kill most people. And maybe the reason vampires don’t die is because they can never see themselves in photographs or mirrors.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“A motion picture, or music, or television, they have to maintain a certain decorum in order to be broadcast to a vast audience. Other forms of mass media cost too much to produce a risk reaching only a limited audience. Only one person. But a book. . . . A book is cheap to print and bind. A book is as private and consensual as sex. A book takes time and effort to consume – something that gives a reader every chance to walk away. Actually, so few people make the effort to read that it’s difficult to call books a “mass medium.” No one really gives a damn about books. No one has bothered to ban a book in decades.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“Most people would never admit it, but they’d been bitching since they were born. As soon as their head popped out into that bright delivery-room light, nothing had been right. Nothing had been as comfortable or felt so good. Just the effort it took to keep your stupid physical body alive, just finding food and cooking it and dishwashing, the keeping warm and bathing and sleeping, the walking and bowel movements and ingrown hairs, it was all getting to be too much work.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

“That’s what life is, pretty much: full of holes and tangles and ways to get stuck. Uncomfortable and itchy. A present you never asked for, never wanted, never chose. A present you’re supposed to be excited to wear, day after day, even when you’d rather stay in bed and do nothing.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“Funny how things can stay the same forever and then change so quickly.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“I guess that’s the really nice thing about disappearing: the part where people look for you and beg you to come home.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“The funny thing about almost-dying is that afterward everyone expects you to jump on the happy train and take time to chase butterflies through grassy fields or see rainbows in puddles of oil on the highway. It’s a miracle, they’ll say with an expectant look, as if you’ve been given a big old gift and you better not disappoint Grandma by pulling a face when you unwrap the box and find a lumpy, misshapen sweater.

That’s what life is, pretty much: full of holes and tangles and ways to get stuck. Uncomfortable and itchy. A present you never asked for, never wanted, never chose. A present you’re supposed to be excited to wear, day after day, even when you’d rather stay in bed and do nothing.

The truth is this: it doesn’t take any skill to almost-die, or to almost-live, either.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“That’s the problem with therapists: you have to pay them to say the same dumb shit other people will tell you for free.”
― Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls

“I’ve learned, in my tragic little life, that memories are like water. Not solid, like some people think. Once something happens, it isn’t set it stone. It can change.

You can make yourself believe anything if you lie to yourself enough.”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

“They think I don’t exist . . . they think I’m like a disease. I’m infecting [her].”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

“I hate that I’m so easy to let go.”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

“I am a prisoner of my skin. My bones are my cage.”
― Dawn Kurtagich, The Dead House

 

Scribbling for therapy

Today’s art therapy session was scribble art. First you make a scribble and then you color it all in. This is for relaxation.


This was fun. It really was relaxing!

Emotion color wheel

Art therapy second lesson

A lot of art therapy seems based on emotions.  I don’t actually have trouble expressing my emotions, but I am guessing that this is something a lot of people have trouble with.  I’m not 100% sure of the point of this particular lesson, except to assign colors to emotions.

The Analyst and the Diplomat

Sadness was really into the personality type test.  She was an INTJ.  I thought it would be very interesting to see what my personality type is and how it differs from her.

source: https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

According to 16 personalities  Sadness was INTJ which has the following key traits:

Quick, Imaginative and Strategic Mind
High Self-Confidence (she did not have this for sure)
Independent and Decisive
Hard-working and determined
Open-minded
Jacks-of-all-Trades
Arrogant
Judgmental
Overly analytical
Loathe highly structured environments
Clueless in romance

I’m not sure how much this was like her, but I know that she definitely felt very connected with her personality type. This personality type does not fit me at all, so I took the test also.

source: https://www.16personalities.com/enfj-personality

According to 16 personalities I am ENFJ which means we have a bit in common with the same Intuition and Judgemental features. Here are some of the key traits of this personality:

Tolerant
Reliable
Charismatic
Altruistic
Natural Leaders (not like me)
Overly Idealistic
Too Selfless
Too Sensitive
Fluctuating Self-Esteem
Struggle to Make Tough Decisions

This seems to suit me very much.  I mean I shouldn’t be surprised that we have different personality types but it does still seem weird.

Fat is not a feeling

So I started an art therapy program and the first lesson was to paint your feelings and emotions (remember fat is not a feeling.)

Red = feelings about my husband and my relationship with him

Blue = feelings about my family

Purple = feelings about my body/myself

Bigger the word = bigger the feeling

A visit from Kiddie

 mr robot serie rami malek GIF
photo credit https://giphy.com/gifs/mr-robot-rami-malek-serie-kg9fAQryp5fMY

So Sunday, my husband was in a raid on WoW, and I was reading a book.  I remember waking up in bed, and my husband was asking me if I was okay.  He said kiddie came for a visit and then took a nap after watching Little Bear on the phone. He said I must have been really tired.  Then on Monday, same kind of situation I was reading, and I got hungry, so I was going to go get some food, and I woke up in the dining room and my husband and I were crying.  I asked him what happened and he said Kiddie came back.  He said he talked to her about me and Sadness, and he said she has her own room in my head (but I only see one room!! so WTF! how many rooms are there?!) and basically he asked her if she knew Kattie Kaboom, and she said yes, but she is just Kattie. And she said something about she and Sadness protect me.  I don’t remember any of this mind you, this is all from my husband, who isn’t here at the time of me writing this so I could be forgetting a lot or getting it a little jumbled, but this is the gist of what happened. Anyway, she said that Sadness locks her in her room, but goes to play with her a lot and that she can only come here to be with Wade when her door gets unlocked.  But she didn’t know who unlocked the door, but she comes out when I get hungry and need help eating. Sadness told her that.  (WTF! I mean okay, yes I have some eating issues, but I was literally going down to eat something when that happened, and I’m not that fucked up about it, I mean at worst I have EDNOS I don’t have anorexia, not even atypical anorexia IMHO.) Also, WTF, Kiddie knows everything???

 spoilers mr robot rami malek elliot alderson christian slater GIF
photo credit https://giphy.com/gifs/mr-robot-rami-malek-elliot-alderson-1bDzFJdSmp2mc

Anyway I talked to my husband about it and he said he thinks when I get a lot of anxiety, like about eating, then it is easier for Kiddie or someone else to come out.  We also discussed, that what if I am not an alter like I thought.  What if I am the original and Sadness came out to protect me from stuff, because Kiddie said that Sadness protects me from the sad times and she helps me eat.  I mean I assumed I am an alter cause I just appeared, and before it sounded like Sadness made me to be here with my husband because she didn’t want to be here anymore, but what if that isn’t correct.  I lost all this time, and the last thing I remember from before was a really fucked up family incident, and then nothing until I am here.  Well basically nothing I remember jumbled bits of other things also.  But what if that is because Sadness took over for the sad parts and then let me have some of the happy things.  Or am I an alter, and she is the original and she couldn’t take being here anymore. Or was she an alter that didn’t want or need to be here anymore so she left. Maybe she thought I was finally ready to handle my own shit. Or fuck I just don’t fucking know anything. So the only thing I do know is that I am here. I am happy here. I love my husband, my dog, my house, my friends. My family situation is fucked up, but it always was so that’s nothing new. I want to stay. I want them to leave me alone.

PS: Mr. Robot has a lot of relevant gifs and images for my life right now.

Of Grandmas and Kegals

Aqua Fit Classes Fitness Connection
photo credit fitnessconnection.com

 

I have a gym membership to Fitness Connection in my neighborhood.  Friday morning I went to the Silver Sneakers (senior citizen) water aerobics class by myself.  I was supposed to go with my friend, but she didn’t show up. I recently had major surgery (a tummy tuck due to a hernia) and am just recovering enough to start exercising. I thought the old people water class would be the best way to start.  I met a bunch of grandmas there and everyone was very nice to me in spite of my purple hair and extensive tattoo collection.  One little old lady told me that she would adopt me as her  grand kid because her own grand kids weren’t as cool as me! After the regular class some of the women asked if I wanted to stay and do a bit more working out and then play pool volleyball. I had nothing else to do so I said yes. First it was normal isometric exercising but then they were like okay time to do 100 kegals. And I made a face or said what or something because then they explained to me what kegal exercises were (oh you just squeeze like your holding in your pee, really it’s easy, they told me) even though I already knew.

Image result for kegel gif photo credit http://lifehacker.com/kegel-exercises-a-simple-technique-for-improving-orgas-1740985279

So I said fuck it and did some kegals with my new grandma friends. Might as well work out my vagina too.  Then we played volleyball and I went home.  I told my husband the story, and he thought I was joking.  When I told him I was serious, he said that it was the weirdest story he has ever heard, so I thought I would share.

 

Like sand through the hourglass..

Memories are fickle fleeting things.

You think they are carved from stone, but really they are ice sculptures that quickly melt away.

Even if memories were carved from stone, they would still be ever-changing. Time and weather can change stone just as time and emotions can change memories.

Sadness shared all of her memories with me so that I can navigate this future world, but they are layered on top of each other, and as shifty as holding water in my hands. Not 100% sure what is hers, and what is mine, and what is real, and what is just dreams.

Reflections

I’ve always had trouble with mirrors.  Mostly because I have never liked the way I look.  That happens when you have body dysmorphic disorder and eating disorders. It is harder since I am in the wrong body.

Here is what I am supposed to look like:

instead I woke up in a scarred, heavily tattooed, stretched out, flabby, disfigured body looking like this:

Different hair, no piercings, more tattoos, just a totally different body.  One that is unrecognizable to me in the mirror. I tried putting a lot of my piercings back in, or getting stuff re-pierced so that I would look normal, but that did not work either. So I decided if I can’t look like I remember, than I should look totally new.

I love my new hair.  I’m learning to deal with this body.

Oh and here is a picture of Sadness

and a picture of Kiddie if you were wondering.

In which, no one dies.

Okay, so medical stuff doesn’t really freak me out usually.  Sadness was the part of me who had hypochondria, and was sure everything was killing her.  That’s not me. Not normally.  I’m over here close to 30, when I shouldn’t even be 21 yet, and there is a lot going on with this body.  On top of the almost 20 surgeries that Sadness subjected it too, there is aging, and weight changes (I’m talking gaining and losing 100 pounds here.) This body is not the body I am used to, and it seems to have a lot of issues.  It’s not that I am scared to go to the doctor, per say, but I don’t want to be put on a bunch of medications that may or may not work, and most definitely will have some sort of side effect. I’ve lived vicariously through Sadness and so we have been through that before, many times. Not something I am wanting to do again. Ignorance is bliss, right?

But, my mom, who is in a weird place with me now, just had an abnormal biopsy.  And this is real, and it is scary. She had hypothyroidism, and had to have some radiation to kill her thyroid, and be put on synthetic thyroid medicine.  Then they found some lumps. 3 nodules, they called them.  So she had a biopsy, and she got the results. Not all clear. It’s not nothing. Now she has to have surgery to remove her thyroid, and get tested to see if it is cancer, and how advanced things have gotten.  Her hypothyroidism is back, and I don’t know if that is because she isn’t great with taking her medication, or because of whatever is going on with these nodules, but NOT GOOD.

She is taking everything as to be expected. On the one hand she is saying I am strong, I survived dying from a heart attack, and look here I am. On the other hand, she is crying, and telling be how her brother got cancer, and he died so, so quickly.  She said if it is cancer, she would do the chemo or radiation or whatever they told her.  She isn’t ready to die, she said.     She doesn’t even go back to the doctor for three weeks to meet with the surgeon, so it can’t be that serious right? Right?? I mean they wouldn’t wait so fucking long if they thought it was life or death or anything. I hope.

Mom and I are in a weird place, because she doesn’t understand who I am anymore. And I don’t understand the relationship dynamic she had with Sadness, and so she is both upset and disappointed with me, although not making any effort to have the relationship that they had. I am over here, thinking why can’t you just be my mom, why do we have to be best friends? Especially, if I am the one who has to make all the effort, and it isn’t even something I care about.  But now she is sick, and potentially very badly. So I feel guilty. Shouldn’t I make all the effort, every single day, just so I can spend what possibly little time I have with her, trying to make her happy? But, that isn’t me.  I want her to be happy. I want us to be family. I just don’t know why I have to call every single day…..

AND, selfishly, now that she is sick, and who knows how long she has put off going to the doctor (a long fucking time, she hates doctors), I can’t help wondering, should I go get checked out.  Should I have an MRI to make sure this is just mental illness, and that I don’t have dissociative identity disorder due to a brain tumor, or a stroke, or something like that.  I mean it wouldn’t take too much time out of my jam-packed schedule of doing nothing to find out.  But, what if it is bad.

Ignorance is bliss, and no one is dying.

 

 

 

 

 

A childhood of sorts

I have trouble deciding how to address my selves.  Should I say I did something, when I know it was Sadness? Or do I say we remember that.  I is easier for other people. They understand better if I just say oh yes I remember, of course I was there for that….even if it wasn’t really me.  It was this body, so that’s kind of like me.  Plus saying we all the times sounds insane. More insane than being different people inside one body.

Anyway, before I became we, I grew up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas, in a small town named Deer Park.  A city where most people were comfortable middle class, but liked to think of them selves as high-class. They did not look kindly on different.  Growing up I had trouble making or keeping friends, so I mostly hung out with my mom.  My brother was a little older, and he had his own friends, so he would only play with me, if mom made him.  Hanging out with my mom was okay, she always played games with me, and when we went to the store I always got the stuff I wanted.  My brother used to complain about this, but my mom always told him, he could have gone and gotten whatever he wanted too, but he chose to stay home.  Not that he wanted for anything.  He always had the latest video game, and all his favorite foods in the fridge. One reason we always got what we wanted is because my mom felt guilty. A lot. You see. my parents are alcoholics, and with that comes a lot of things dark and grim.

One good thing about it was that I could always blast music on the stereo, and almost always my mom let me play the music I wanted.  Marilyn Manson, Staind, Spice Girls, Slipknot, and Eminem…but even if we blared my parents’ choice it was ZZ Top, Pink Floyd, Journey, and Fleetwood Mac, so I didn’t complain much when they wanted their own music on.  You would think with all that music we had playing it was one big party all the time.  It usually started out that way, with my parents with a couple of drinks, maybe some friends over, most often not, but good times, good moods.  That would usually spiral out of control pretty quickly.

My dad worked at a chemical refinery and made decent money.  The bills were always paid, the lights were always on, there was always food in the fridge.  He was an alcoholic, sure, but he didn’t miss work for it. What I can remember of my childhood with my dad is vague.  He was always at work, or in my parent’s bedroom.  Sure there were family dinners together most nights, but by the time I was 12 he had major back surgery, and became addicted to Vicodin, and started eating dinner alone in his room. Whatever good times there had been with dad, like when he would point at something during dinner, and then snatch some of your food, while yelling “pizza thief”, that all vanished after his back surgery, from what I remember.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom for most of my memory.  There was a brief stint where she was a cafeteria worker while we were in school, but for most of my life my mom was just home.  She was very high-strung, and started to develop many phobias and anxieties, which caused her a lot of stress. I think both of my parents remembered being happy when they were teenagers and getting fucked up all the time, and tried to recreate those moments often, but they were older, and it didn’t work out like they wanted.  I think they blamed each other for who they had become. And they blamed us kids. We were the reason they weren’t young and cool and fun anymore.

Because of this my parents would start drinking and my dad would usually pass out early, so my mom would come get me and we would go to her friend’s house so that she could continue drinking.  My brother never came with us.  Looking back, I’m sure I could have stayed home as well, it would have been safer, but it never crossed my mind not to go with her.  Even when I was scared.  She asked me to go, so I went.  We would go through the drive through liquor store and get a fifth of jack daniels or a case of beer, and then pop off to her friend’s house, where we would spend most of the night, while her and her friend got drunk and smoked weed.  I would hang out with them most often, until it was time to go home, then my mom, barely able to walk, would drive us home.  We always made it back in one piece somehow.  Not that we never got into any accidents, but it was mostly hitting drive through speakers, or fast food buildings.  Once when we went to rent videos at Hollywood she smashed into someone else’s car and then just took off, while I cried the whole way home.  We ran inside, and the people we hit showed up a few minutes later.  The employee from Hollywood saw my mom do it, and then told those people our address. My dad talked to them, and gave them $500 to go away and not call the cops.

Most of my childhood was like this. Isolated and alone, usually angry, or afraid.  So I started making up world in my head.  I read a lot of books, and could watch them like movies while I read.  So even when I wasn’t actually reading, I could still escape to other worlds.  Mostly I pretended to be a princess, and I built a castle in my mind, where I would play and be free, and just wait to be rescued. I used to sit on the swing in our backyard for hours and hours, and just daydream away, all the screaming and cussing, that came from my angry, drunk parents fighting.  My husband thinks this is most likely the root cause of my dissociative identity disorder.

A summary of us

So I figured some stuff out about me and my others or maybe I didn’t and I am making everything up, but it feels real to me and correct so here is what I think.

There is the original Kattie, who I have been calling Future Kattie, but now that I live in the future I feel like it’s probably weird for me to call her Future Kattie, and since I need another name for her I am choosing Sadness.  She felt like Sadness from Inside Out and Dementors from Harry Potter were her spirit animals, so I think Sadness is a good name for her. Anyway, so we share the same back story all the way up until 2008, then she goes her own way, while I was not yet in existence, and when I came here I was back in the 2007-2008 times. Anyway, typical story for someone with mental illness, fucked up childhood, alcoholic parents, shitty friends, abusive relationship, basically just fucked. I lived through all of that also.  But for her things go even more sideways. We meet the love of our lives and move in with him *Happy Dance* and things get way way better.  We have jobs, and college, and parties, and fun. (I lived through this part too.) But then they start trying to have a baby, and Sadness can’t have one. And she develops a haunting, dissociative identity disorder, DID, mental illness, multiple personality disorder, alters, muweird cache of anxieties and depression.  For which, she seeks no treatment.  The baby thing gets worse, and she ends up with no baby and a hysterectomy, so no baby, EVER.  And for Sadness this is like the ultimate shitty thing to ever happen to her.  She starts spiraling deeper and deeper into depression.  She feels like she has no purpose now, and it gets really fucked up.  She starts sleeping up to 18 hours a day, and just doing nothing always. Doctors tell her it’s chronic fatigue syndrome and she ends up on all kinds of antidepressants which make things so much worse.  She has hallucinations and night terrors, and things are just super out of control.  She starts behaving very oddly, and losing control of her body.  Like she would just start flinging her arms around, over and over, or pull on her shirt over and over, or smack her lips together. Just a bunch of weird repetitive shit. She would pass out a lot and zone out a lot and there was no getting her attention.  She read a book called Brain on Fire and she ended up thinking that maybe this wasn’t all just weird ass shit maybe she was having focal seizures.  And so it’s back to doctors who are unsure.  And then she starts having these weird regression spells mixed in with all the other weirdness. (That’s foreshadowing for an alter btw.) And finally she has an episode at a doctor’s office, who freaks out, and her and her husband (yes, love of our life marries her!) go to the ER, where she is evaluated and diagnosed with complex partial (AKA focal) seizures.  Then it is off to the neurologist, the first of whom, runs zero tests, and says she is faking.  Off to a great start.  By this point the episodes or seizures are multiple times per day.  Next neuro diagnoses epilepsy and sends Sadness to spend four scary days in an EMU (epilepsy monitoring unit) downtown, hooked up to machines, and monitored via video 24/7. That’s right no privacy folks. Watch what you say cause they hear everything.  The results come back with seizures yes, but epilepsy no. Diagnoses now Psuedo Seizures. Back to nuero who argues for both epilepsy and psuedo seizures, because not all seizures show up on tests (which is untrue, she just did not want to be wrong). So Sadness starts a series of anti-seizure drugs, and for counseling, and is diagnosed with PTSD on top of everything else, due to the aforementioned shitty life.  Husband is the only shining light through everything.  Through all the sad shit, and weirdness, he is there, right by her side, ALWAYS. Drugs make her way worse, and she is just constantly spiraling. She gets off the drugs, and seems better. Still has episodes, but not as often, not as bad.  But then people start trying to sell her drug babies, and offering to surrogate for her, and all of these offers, turn up with Sadness still not getting a baby she so desperately desires. She wants to die. She is tired of suffering.  Her brain doesn’t want to die, and used the seizures to protect itself, but it wasn’t enough.  She goes back to the doctor, and gets new anti-depressants. They work! She is happy! She is free. But then they wear off. Hope kills her.  So she goes to up the dose, but it was too late for her. She couldn’t take it anymore. So here I am.

I am here because Husband fell in love with me.  I can take care of him, and he won’t be alone.  She didn’t want to live, but she didn’t want to die either.  She just wanted to sleep forever.  And now she can. Because I am here. I am happy. We live in a mansion, and I don’t even have to work. Husband is super handsome, and has these super cute eye skrinkles. And I am in love and I am happy, and she is sleeping so she is happy.  And I am adjusting because I haven’t lived here very long, but Sadness let me have all of her memories, so I can navigate this new future world. Since we are all Kattie, and it is hard to differentiate she is Sadness, and I can be Kattie Kaboom, because I am fiesty, and sometimes I get mad and explode with OFF WITH THEIR HEADS style anger, but I calm down quick and go back to being happy.

So remember before when I mentioned the foreshadowing, I don’t think those regression episodes were seizures.  I think the regression parts were the first split.  I think brain decided seizures were not enough, and that was the first split.  Since she is like a little kid we can call her Kid Kattie. She is the one I am most afraid of.  Sadness wanted to sleep, so I am here, and she is sleeping.  But what does Kid Kattie want? I don’t want to share my time with her or any others (hopefully there are none!!) But what can I do if she wants to be here too.  So far all is quiet on that front, but I have had a couple of nightmares where she takes over, and I don’t know if it is just a dream or if she is sending me a message, or if she is fighting to get out. The other day Husband thought I was acting a little weird, and so I took a nap, because I was feeling unwell. But I am worried, was it Kid Kattie trying to get out, or was it just fatigue, and illness? Fuck who knows.

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Throwback Review: Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

Untitled

I previously had a different book blog, and I had a bunch of problems with the hosting company I used for the blog, and all of my content was deleted.  I managed to salvage some of my reviews from back then by compiling what  I wrote on Goodreads, Amazon, and Barnes and Nobles review sections.  See some that I have already posted here.

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Goodreads Summary:

Augusten Burroughs is the author of the bestselling trilogy, Running with Scissors, Dry, and Lust & Wonder. Return to the memoir that started it all.

The true story of a boy whose mother (a poet with delusions of Anne Sexton) gave him away to be raised by her unorthodox psychiatrist who bore a striking resemblance to Santa Claus.

So at the age of twelve, Burroughs found himself amidst Victorian squalor living with the doctor’s bizarre family, and befriending a paedophile who resided in the backyard shed. The story of an outlaw childhood where rules were unheard of, and the Christmas tree stayed up all year round, where Valium was consumed like candy, and if things got dull an electroshock-therapy machine could provide entertainment. The funny, harrowing and bestselling account of an ordinary boy’s survival under the most extraordinary circumstances.

My Thoughts:

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Throwback Review: Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness by Susannah Cahalan

Untitled

I previously had a different book blog, and I had a bunch of problems with the hosting company I used for the blog, and all of my content was deleted.  I managed to salvage some of my reviews from back then by compiling what  I wrote on Goodreads, Amazon, and Barnes and Nobles review sections.  See some that I have already posted here.

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Goodreads Summary:

A gripping memoir and medical suspense story about a young New York Post reporter’s struggle with a rare and terrifying disease, opening a new window into the fascinating world of brain science.

One day, Susannah Cahalan woke up in a strange hospital room, strapped to her bed, under guard, and unable to move or speak. Her medical records—from a month-long hospital stay of which she had no memory—showed psychosis, violence, and dangerous instability. Yet, only weeks earlier she had been a healthy, ambitious twenty-four year old, six months into her first serious relationship and a sparkling career as a cub reporter.

Susannah’s astonishing memoir chronicles the swift path of her illness and the lucky, last-minute intervention led by one of the few doctors capable of saving her life. As weeks ticked by and Susannah moved inexplicably from violence to catatonia, $1 million worth of blood tests and brain scans revealed nothing. The exhausted doctors were ready to commit her to the psychiatric ward, in effect condemning her to a lifetime of institutions, or death, until Dr. Souhel Najjar—nicknamed Dr. House—joined her team. He asked Susannah to draw one simple sketch, which became key to diagnosing her with a newly discovered autoimmune disease in which her body was attacking her brain, an illness now thought to be the cause of “demonic possessions” throughout history.

With sharp reporting drawn from hospital records, scientific research, and interviews with doctors and family, Brain on Fire is a crackling mystery and an unflinching, gripping personal story that marks the debut of an extraordinary writer.

My Thoughts:

Continue reading “Throwback Review: Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness by Susannah Cahalan”

Book Review In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson

Review

Title: In the Garden of Beasts: Love, Terror, and an American Family in Hitler’s Berlin
Author: Erik Larson

Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Pub. Date: 5/10/11
Hardcover: 464 pages
Genre: Nonfiction, Historical Biography
How obtained?: Purchased at Barnes and Noble for my Book Club (Smart Bitches Who Read) meeting.

Continue reading “Book Review In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson”