So tiny

It is hard grieving the loss of my foster daughter.  It doesn’t feel like a death, because it isn’t one. She is out there alive and hopefully happy and healthy. It feels like she was kidnapped though.  I miss her so much and I really just want her to come home.  I get so many spam calls, and every single time the phone rings, I fill with hope and think that they are calling to give her back to me, but that is not going to happen.  Every time I go out, I search for her at the stores even though I know she doesn’t live near me, but just in case.  One day could come where I actually pass her somewhere and I won’t recognize her.  That thought causes me to have a ton of anxiety. I just feel like she doesn’t understand why I am not with her.  She clung to me around other people and I loved her so fiercely and I know she is too young to understand why I am not there for her. It hurts so bad not being able to explain. If your child dies you no longer have to worry if they are happy or safe, it is over, but with this I feel I will worry about her forever. Is she happy, loved, safe, fed? Does she think I abandoned her? How long before she forgets me altogether? Also I want her back so badly, but does that mean hoping something bad happens so I can have her back? Everyone is asking me if we are going to get another foster child and try again to adopt, but IDK and my baby isn’t replaceable. I am sure people don’t mean it like that, but it feels like that. I can’t fix this grief with another baby.

One thing is for sure, I will love her forever.

Author: Kaitlin Michelle

Stuff and nonsense

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